ElMonterey XX Large Bean & Cheese Burrito

I just picked up an ElMonterey XX Large Bean & Cheese Burrito. I paid $1.99 at a Plaid Pantry, which seemed like a good deal. Turns out, it wasn't.

To the left, you'll see the burrito, straight out of the package. Cold, stiff, and kinda crumbly in the tortilla department, we're certainly not off to a good start. I put it in the microwave for a couple minutes to see if that improves anything.

I've worn Converse All-stars, or similar knockoffs ever since I was a kid. I also walk about five miles a day. According to my doctor, these that isn't a good idea. So, I recently went to buy new shoes at a nearby store. I can't tell you how hard it is to find a decent pair of walking shoes that don't make you look like an asshole. Everything there was covered in weird bits of plastic and leather, making the shoes look like the future in the 1930s. They even have special cord/ratchet assemblies to replace standard laces. What the Hell is wrong with laces? Who can't be bothered to tie their shoes?

Now that it's been heated, the burrito is falling apart a bit more, and looks even grosser than before. This doesn't look too promising.



Opening it up, things aren't looking too delicious. The beans have this weird, grainy, pastiness to them, and I don't see any cheese at all. This thing tastes awful. The tortilla is stretchy and the beans are disgusting. I am beginning to regret this purchase.

I don't think it's really ever appropriate to be proud of one's ethnic background. You should really only be proud of things you've accomplished, not circumstances into which you were born. That being said, what's with the Irish? I can't think of a group of people who historically have been prouder, complained more, and accomplished less than the Irish. Sure, they gave us Van Morrison, but they also gave us U2. Just for comparison, I've pulled up the Wikipedia category pages for "X Inventors", where X is the name of a country.
Irish Inventors = 17 Pages
Italian Inventors = 28 Pages
Chinese Inventors = 25 Pages
Jewish Inventors = 151 Pages
English Inventors = 286 Pages
German Inventors = 170 Pages
Now, to be fair, I have nothing against the Irish. In fact, I am a little bit Irish. I just don't see what the big deal is about.


Upon closer inspection, the "& Cheese" is nothing but a myth. I've looked deep into this vile wad, and there's not a bit of cheese to be found. Gauging by the quality of the beans, this may be a good thing. I have actually stopped eating the burrito. I can skip lunch today, if this is what I'm faced with.

On my way to work today, I was listening to the American Conservative University Podcast. This is not something I would recommend. There's a show they often feature on there, hosted by a guy named Michael Medved. He begins and ends every episode with "Another great day in this greatest nation on God's Green Earth", and I'm not so sure this makes sense. Isn't most of the earth blue? Something like 75% is water, and not even all the land is green. A pretty huge amount of it is brown. Why don't we say "God's Blue Earth" or God's Brown Earth?"

Alright, so I just tore this bitch open to see if it's bad all the way through. It kinda looks like a filthy diaper. I have completely lost my appetite. Do not buy this burrito, ever. I don't care how hungry you are, you don't want this. It tastes even worse than it looks, which is already pretty bad. I'm not sure what else to say about it. It's just plain bad. This is a terrible burrito.

I was checking my facebook earlier, and I saw that a girl I went to highschool with had announced she was pregnant. She did this by posting a couple images of at-home pregnancy tests which came up positive. It just seems weird to me that she's posting pictures of something she just peed on. It would be weird if I started putting up pictures of things I've peed on, but I guess this is different.

Ugh, seriously. Look at that mess. That's not food. That's not even dog food. It's food for really bad dogs, who deserve to be punished. Like if they mauled a little kid or something. Even then, I'm not sure it's fair.

Pepino's Mexican Grill

I was on one of the trucks for work the other day, and stopped at Pepino's Mexican Grill for lunch. Located at 3832 SE Hawthorne Blvd in Portland, Oregon, Pepino's is a quick enough, reasonably priced burrito place that's definitely worth trying.
I tried the Fajita Burrito, which contains grilled onions, red and green peppers, pinto beans, rice, Jack cheese, salsa, and guacamole. At $4.25, it's totally worth it.

While on the way to Pepino's, I saw a poster on a utility pole that mentioned Noah. I don't remember what it said, but it got me thinking about that really famous Noah. You know, the Ark Noah. Before the flood, there would be all these different bodies of water; Lakes, rivers, ponds, oceans, seas, and so on. These different bodies of water all had different PH levels, different salt content, etc., and had different types of fish living in them. If the whole world flooded, all these bodies of water would mix together. I don't know if you'd get one big mass of fresh water, or salt water, or maybe really dilluted salt water. Any way I look at it, I see conditions that are gonna be lethal to half of the fish in the world. Any way you arrange it, either nearly every freshwater fish is gonna die, or nearly every saltwater fish will. It has been suggested to me that God just doesn't care about fish.

The Fajita Burrito comes in a red tomato tortilla, and wrapped in foil. The vegetables are well grilled, not slimy and gross, but not raw, either. The guacamole tastes fresh, and not out of a tube or bag. Tube and bag Guacamole are fucking gross, by the way. That shit needs to be made fresh, dammit. While I normally prefer black beans, the pinto beans were fantastic. While not a terribly spicy burrito, the hot sauce as salsas there did a more than sufficient job.

Today, the two-year-old granddaughter of one of my coworkers is in the office. She's running around, generally being a two-year old. There's parts of parenting I know I'm gonna be terrible at. I know you're not supposed to laugh when a kid misbehaves, because that reinforces what ever bad behavior is going on, but sometimes, I can't help it. I have a cousin who used to have trouble with the word "Frog", so it would sound like "Fuck". I can't tell you how many times we asked that kid to say "Motherfrogger."

Pepino's gives you a pretty decent handful of chips with your meal, though they aren't unlimited. However, they give you enough that it doesn't really matter. Maybe if you like chips more than I do, it would be an issue, I don't know. Not too greasy, and certainly very fresh, the chips are great.


I really need to stop writing these reviews while I'm hungry. It's a bad habit. I end up staring at the pictures I took, wishing a burrito would just materialize before me. So far, it hasn't happened.

Easter happened yesterday. I've always thought it should be a bigger deal. I don't see why Christmas is the huge holiday it is, while Easter gets kinda brushed under the rug. Sure, Christmas is Jesus' birthday, but every asshole has a birthday. Jesus is the only guy with a Rose-from-the-dead-three-days-after-getting-the-shit-murdered-out-of-him Day. That seems like a way bigger deal to me



As you can see here, the burrito is packed with grilled fajita goodness. Aside from being a pretty big burrito, it's a pretty awesome burrito. We've stumbled upon both quality and quantity here. Between the reasonable price, the quick service, and the overall scrumptiousness, I'd say Pepino's is a must.

Burrito Review! Baja Fresh black bean and cheese burrito with rice and beans!

That's right! Content! Finally! Baja Fresh black bean and cheese burrito with guacamole and rice!

This sizable foodwrap cost me $3.95, with fifty cents for guacamole and rice. The burrito is pretty large, and the outer layer of the tortilla flakes off deliciously. Inside, the beans and rice are fantastic together. The guacamole was good, but not amazing.

I'm actually writing this a few days after I ate the burrito. Looking now at my notes, and the pictures I took, I find myself wishing for that burrito again. I am so hungry right now. Yesterday, and the day before, all I ate was a potato, fried up with half an onion and half a bell pepper. It was tasty as hell, yeah, but one meal a day is rough. Today, I had a donut. A good donut, but hardly enough food for a day. Now I feel guilty about some little Ugandan kid, starving to death while I feel kinda hungry for a couple days. I can just see him looking at me, over his big, distended belly, shaming me with his eyes.

I was listening to a audiobook of The Secret recently, and I'm a little confused. If I get this correctly, if you want something bad enough, you'll get it. So, I'm hungry now, and I really want some food. Problem is, I don't have any money. I'm in no danger of starving, of course. I'll get paid in a couple days, and have all the food I want. So, apparently, I want food enough that eventually, the universe gives it to me. So what about the little starving kid in Uganda? You know, the adorable one, with the distended belly? Is the problem that he doesn't want food enough? I can't imagine he doesn't want food more than the fat little doucheling throwing a fit in McDonalds because he got the wrong toy in his Happy Meal. Also, what happens if I want something that you also want? Does it turn into some kind of Want-Off?

The burrito comes with fantastic tortilla chips, which are unlimited if you eat at the resturaunt. Unlimited free chips is always a huge plus, especially when they aren't shitty. These chips are in no way shitty, rest assured. The selection of salsas is varied enough that anyone should be able to find something they like.
I'm particularly fond of the green one, which I didn't take a closeup of, but you can totally see in the picture at the top. It's the little cup that has salsa in it. Green salsa.

There was a bit in the middle where the cheese wasn't really melted. This was kinda lame, but not bad-tasting. The burrito also had a bit of an issue with ingredient segregation. Everything seemed kinda separate. Occasionally, you'd get a bite with just beans, or just rice.


I heard Ann Coulter on some podcast today. I'm not sure why she gets all the credit she does. Is it because she's hot? She looks too sticky, to me. Not sticky like an adhesive, but like a stick. I heard her actually use "Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't listening" (followed by that cuntface laugh) as a reply, and everyone acted like that wasn't bullshit. That's not a real counter-argument at all. It's not even clever.


As for my overall impression of the burrito, I'd say "Fuck yes."
The price was fair, the burrito was big and delicious, the chips were awesome and plentiful. I suggest you try this burrito right now. Or next time you're at Baja Fresh. That would be way more practical.